How To Survive SETTING APARTMENT RULES

Myth: A couple living together needs no rules because their love is stronger than any disagreement.

Fact: All roommates need rules. Oh, and let me tell you, love is not stronger than the smell of mold coming from the crumpled, wet towel on the floor The Boyfriend can never seem to remember to hang up.

If your other Significant Others have fallen prey to the myth above, it is your moral responsibility to guide them to the light. Even if you’re not concerned about the well-being of their relationship—since not abiding by the rule to make rules will inevitably lead to destruction—you need to at least lay down the law of the land (your apartment) for your own sake.

As is true with any group of people, it’s important to not “gang up" on any one person. Yes, maybe The Boyfriend thinks he's starting a one-man band with his loud electric guitar, or decides the best time to do dishes is 7 a.m. when you're still sleeping, or walks around as if the floor is on fire and only by him stomping across the room will it be put out (and causes the neighbors underneath to ask where you got the dinosaur)... But I'm sure you have your faults, too. Although, really, what could be worse than a dish-clanging dinosaur with an amp? Anyway, the point is this: Don't let your nerves get the best of you and chime in too enthusiastically if The Girlfriend begins telling him to shut it. Take turns.

And rules should be spelled out so everyone is on the same page; don't think the "others" will pick up on your subtle clues. For example, decide together who gets dibs on leftovers, because apparently it's not apparent that the little to-go container you put together is for your lunch the next day.

How to Survive NIGHTS OUT

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At the bar, it's clear they are a couple and you are the Tagalong—but without the saving grace of the delicious peanut butter filling. Even if you've been able to successfully prevent them from holding hands, wrapping their arms around each other, or any of the usual giveaways, it can still be pretty obvious. Number one, they occasionally forget to pretend you're just as interesting as their Significant Other (you're way past believing you actually are). Two, while they share one tab for drinks for the night, you keep dropping cash on the bar (Tip: try not to order your drinks with them to avoid the confusion and embarrassment of correcting the bartender that you need your own check). And three, it's more than a little apparent that they don't give a speckled leopard's ass how they look (note The BF's faded, wide jeans with flannel shirt and The GF's mom jeans with plain-Jane t-shirt) and are content to be in their own little world standing on the sticky floor. Meanwhile, you keep tossing your hair around and making what you hope are flirty glances, but could very possibly be scary come-hither glares, at every passing guy.

So how do you meet people, or tell that cute guy over there that no, this dude will not be buying your drinks for the night? I'm not going to pretend I'm a dating expert. I'll leave the "finding love" advice to others who seem to have mastered the game, or at least have tips that seem somewhat reasonable (Click here to read how playing tag with a man can land you a boyfriend). But I can tell you this:

• Easy on the hair tossing; I can only imagine how attractive it is to spaz in the middle of the bar because you've pulled a muscle in your neck. 
• Try to remember all that happy, fluffy crap that says being content with yourself is the most important thing in life. And then pretend to believe it by plastering on a nice, big smile for the night.
• If you silently curse the couple's happy existence over and over in your head, that cute, smart, funny, sweet guy in the corner will eventually recognize what a wonderful person you are on his own. (This has personally never worked for me, but you should definitely give it a whirl.)

How to Survive HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WITH EACH

You would normally have this conundrum handled with roommates who are not deranged, smitten lovers dating. You would have a personal friendship with Roommate 1 and a personal friendship with Roommate 2, and then all three of you would also have your own dynamic. But when you're living with a couple the game has changed. You no longer have two separate beings to work and interact with; they are an entity in and of themselves. Is it possible to have a relationship with each separately, or are you doomed to deal with them two at a time for the rest of your shared apartment existence? (For some reason I'm reminded here of the saying "Kill two birds with one stone.")

Try to take advantage of small opportunities to get to know each on their own. It might sometimes work out that two of you will have time for a movie while the other is running errands or doing work or wasting time drafting his fantasy football team. Take this time to have a quality conversation with your roommate. They might each appreciate getting to know you on their own as well.

And inside jokes should only be permitted if a. the other Significant Other can handle being left out or b. you can keep it a secret. And then you must realize they probably have loads of inside jokes on their own (although, you're probably not missing out on much anyway).

How to Survive FEELING LONELY AND PATHETIC

You swear that your disgust at your roommates’ cute and cuddly relationship isn’t due to jealousy. But let’s be real—if you’re single and living with a couple, you can feel like you’re returning to home sweet hell pretty much every day.

It’s hard to NOT think about how pathetic and miserable you are when you’re constantly accompanied by those other significant others. Every walk to the subway station, every dinner, every “goodnight” is a reminder that they are two and you are one. And this is not a balanced ensemble.

Clearly all waiters and waitresses agree. “Will there be a fourth person joining you tonight?”

If you’re sick of your date being the coat chair, try to put a positive spin on it.

• You have infinitely more elbowroom at the table.
• You can eat as much garlic and onions as you want.
• You don’t have to share your meal… or dessert!
• You at least have the possibility of getting someone to buy you a drink.

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Just try not to let your loneliness take over your life...

How to Survive PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS

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Quiet conversations in the hall, whispering, knowing looks from across the room… you’ve witnessed ‘em all. And sometimes Significant Other #1 and Significant Other #2 are not as stealthy as they think they are. They believe the kitchen is far enough away from the living room to avoid the third wheel from overhearing, but that has proved over and over again to not be true.

“You know how we can conserve warm water? Shower together. And then we’re also saving the environment!” *high-five* There are just some things you can’t unhear.

So how do you cope? My favorite game is to just join in their conversation from the other room (and then laugh at the awkward pause as they realize I have heard everything they’ve been saying). “Yeah! I’d like enough warm water for my shower later, too. Thanks!” Or, “But remember how you ended up in the emergency room the last time you tried that?” This will almost certainly bring their volume down a notch or two.

How to Survive FIGHTS

You’re so tuned into the couple’s dynamic that it doesn’t take a Harvard law degree to figure out when they’re having a fight. You may suddenly become bombarded with Gchat messages of “can you believe he said that?” and “I don’t get why she’s so angry.”  Or The Girlfriend makes a frozen pizza for dinner in a passive aggressive way to avoid interactions in the kitchen. Or maybe The Boyfriend suddenly has a strong desire to finish all of his homework tonight, for the entire semester.

But where do you fit in the debacle? Well, you have a few options:

• To avoid being stuck in the middle you can disappear until the anger sizzles – stay quiet, in your room, and hidden/“offline.” This is not the ideal solution, since it involves you becoming stir crazy and gaining suspicious vampire tendencies, but you may just have to take one for the team. Let them resolve their own issues. 
• You can agree with both sides, secretly. This way each of the Significant Others feels he/she has someone on his/her side. Sometimes that’s all it takes. 
• You can put that one psychology course you took in college to use and help them both to see the error of their ways. (And then maybe they will band together again in their joint hatred of you – problem solved! Sort of.)

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But hey, at least they don’t run around in their underwear 
burning your house down. I hope.

How to Survive NAVIGATING PERSONAL BOUNDARIES

Living with a couple almost certainly means you will, at one point or another, walk in on a hot and heavy cuddling session on the couch. But remember, we’ve all been there. Don’t pretend you’ve never used that loveseat as a loveseat.

However, you do have the right to tell them it can’t get out of hand. It is perfectly reasonable to demand to see a bowl of ice cream every time you hear that Ready Whip can.

And you may find yourself needing to enforce a dress code. Sure, seeing The Girlfriend walk around without a shirt is no big deal, especially if, like me, she happens to be your sister. But is it fair that she’s the only one in this apartment who has the freedom to not care? You don’t even leave the shower without a full body robe on lest The Boyfriend is around. So why does she get to flaunt it? Setting clear boundaries is in everyone’s best interest.

How To Survive DINNER TIME

I know you think you want to be involved in the dinner-making process. But if you start to see Significant Other #1 and Significant Other #2 throw sultry glances at one another, or fingers twitching to fling that spoon of mashed potatoes onto the other’s neck in a flirty attempt to begin a food fight that will inevitably end with each licking off the assailed food items… I suggest you get out of there. You may be one of the lucky few who live with a couple whose passion heats up whenever the oven does.

And it’s always nice to come home to pots boiling with delicious aromas, Frank’s “You Make Me Feel So Young” Pandora channel playing, and a table set with candles. But don’t just assume The Boyfriend can’t count and get out a third plate for yourself. Try to appreciate the fact that you get to order Chinese food for the fourth time in a week and get to watch whatever movie you want while stuffing your face shamelessly. Who wants to sit across from a doe-eyed lover staring as you try not to make faces at the burnt pasta dish anyway?

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Sorry, but this spaghetti isn't long enough for three.