How to Survive PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS

Photo source

Quiet conversations in the hall, whispering, knowing looks from across the room… you’ve witnessed ‘em all. And sometimes Significant Other #1 and Significant Other #2 are not as stealthy as they think they are. They believe the kitchen is far enough away from the living room to avoid the third wheel from overhearing, but that has proved over and over again to not be true.

“You know how we can conserve warm water? Shower together. And then we’re also saving the environment!” *high-five* There are just some things you can’t unhear.

So how do you cope? My favorite game is to just join in their conversation from the other room (and then laugh at the awkward pause as they realize I have heard everything they’ve been saying). “Yeah! I’d like enough warm water for my shower later, too. Thanks!” Or, “But remember how you ended up in the emergency room the last time you tried that?” This will almost certainly bring their volume down a notch or two.

How to Survive FIGHTS

You’re so tuned into the couple’s dynamic that it doesn’t take a Harvard law degree to figure out when they’re having a fight. You may suddenly become bombarded with Gchat messages of “can you believe he said that?” and “I don’t get why she’s so angry.”  Or The Girlfriend makes a frozen pizza for dinner in a passive aggressive way to avoid interactions in the kitchen. Or maybe The Boyfriend suddenly has a strong desire to finish all of his homework tonight, for the entire semester.

But where do you fit in the debacle? Well, you have a few options:

• To avoid being stuck in the middle you can disappear until the anger sizzles – stay quiet, in your room, and hidden/“offline.” This is not the ideal solution, since it involves you becoming stir crazy and gaining suspicious vampire tendencies, but you may just have to take one for the team. Let them resolve their own issues. 
• You can agree with both sides, secretly. This way each of the Significant Others feels he/she has someone on his/her side. Sometimes that’s all it takes. 
• You can put that one psychology course you took in college to use and help them both to see the error of their ways. (And then maybe they will band together again in their joint hatred of you – problem solved! Sort of.)

 Photo source

But hey, at least they don’t run around in their underwear 
burning your house down. I hope.

How to Survive NAVIGATING PERSONAL BOUNDARIES

Living with a couple almost certainly means you will, at one point or another, walk in on a hot and heavy cuddling session on the couch. But remember, we’ve all been there. Don’t pretend you’ve never used that loveseat as a loveseat.

However, you do have the right to tell them it can’t get out of hand. It is perfectly reasonable to demand to see a bowl of ice cream every time you hear that Ready Whip can.

And you may find yourself needing to enforce a dress code. Sure, seeing The Girlfriend walk around without a shirt is no big deal, especially if, like me, she happens to be your sister. But is it fair that she’s the only one in this apartment who has the freedom to not care? You don’t even leave the shower without a full body robe on lest The Boyfriend is around. So why does she get to flaunt it? Setting clear boundaries is in everyone’s best interest.