How To Survive SETTING APARTMENT RULES

Myth: A couple living together needs no rules because their love is stronger than any disagreement.

Fact: All roommates need rules. Oh, and let me tell you, love is not stronger than the smell of mold coming from the crumpled, wet towel on the floor The Boyfriend can never seem to remember to hang up.

If your other Significant Others have fallen prey to the myth above, it is your moral responsibility to guide them to the light. Even if you’re not concerned about the well-being of their relationship—since not abiding by the rule to make rules will inevitably lead to destruction—you need to at least lay down the law of the land (your apartment) for your own sake.

As is true with any group of people, it’s important to not “gang up" on any one person. Yes, maybe The Boyfriend thinks he's starting a one-man band with his loud electric guitar, or decides the best time to do dishes is 7 a.m. when you're still sleeping, or walks around as if the floor is on fire and only by him stomping across the room will it be put out (and causes the neighbors underneath to ask where you got the dinosaur)... But I'm sure you have your faults, too. Although, really, what could be worse than a dish-clanging dinosaur with an amp? Anyway, the point is this: Don't let your nerves get the best of you and chime in too enthusiastically if The Girlfriend begins telling him to shut it. Take turns.

And rules should be spelled out so everyone is on the same page; don't think the "others" will pick up on your subtle clues. For example, decide together who gets dibs on leftovers, because apparently it's not apparent that the little to-go container you put together is for your lunch the next day.

How to Survive HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WITH EACH

You would normally have this conundrum handled with roommates who are not deranged, smitten lovers dating. You would have a personal friendship with Roommate 1 and a personal friendship with Roommate 2, and then all three of you would also have your own dynamic. But when you're living with a couple the game has changed. You no longer have two separate beings to work and interact with; they are an entity in and of themselves. Is it possible to have a relationship with each separately, or are you doomed to deal with them two at a time for the rest of your shared apartment existence? (For some reason I'm reminded here of the saying "Kill two birds with one stone.")

Try to take advantage of small opportunities to get to know each on their own. It might sometimes work out that two of you will have time for a movie while the other is running errands or doing work or wasting time drafting his fantasy football team. Take this time to have a quality conversation with your roommate. They might each appreciate getting to know you on their own as well.

And inside jokes should only be permitted if a. the other Significant Other can handle being left out or b. you can keep it a secret. And then you must realize they probably have loads of inside jokes on their own (although, you're probably not missing out on much anyway).

How to Survive PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS

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Quiet conversations in the hall, whispering, knowing looks from across the room… you’ve witnessed ‘em all. And sometimes Significant Other #1 and Significant Other #2 are not as stealthy as they think they are. They believe the kitchen is far enough away from the living room to avoid the third wheel from overhearing, but that has proved over and over again to not be true.

“You know how we can conserve warm water? Shower together. And then we’re also saving the environment!” *high-five* There are just some things you can’t unhear.

So how do you cope? My favorite game is to just join in their conversation from the other room (and then laugh at the awkward pause as they realize I have heard everything they’ve been saying). “Yeah! I’d like enough warm water for my shower later, too. Thanks!” Or, “But remember how you ended up in the emergency room the last time you tried that?” This will almost certainly bring their volume down a notch or two.

How to Survive NAVIGATING PERSONAL BOUNDARIES

Living with a couple almost certainly means you will, at one point or another, walk in on a hot and heavy cuddling session on the couch. But remember, we’ve all been there. Don’t pretend you’ve never used that loveseat as a loveseat.

However, you do have the right to tell them it can’t get out of hand. It is perfectly reasonable to demand to see a bowl of ice cream every time you hear that Ready Whip can.

And you may find yourself needing to enforce a dress code. Sure, seeing The Girlfriend walk around without a shirt is no big deal, especially if, like me, she happens to be your sister. But is it fair that she’s the only one in this apartment who has the freedom to not care? You don’t even leave the shower without a full body robe on lest The Boyfriend is around. So why does she get to flaunt it? Setting clear boundaries is in everyone’s best interest.